Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.