One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.