If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
when you are just born a rebel
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her