I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages