My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…