Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?