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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Solving a traffic jam
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.