Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
HOW DARE YOU
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
getting corrected
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”