Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?