Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore