I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Wait a minute
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: