Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)