Did a trash talking tree write this?
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.