The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.