Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.