What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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How did we not see this back then?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.