Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.