First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
You Might Also Like
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
mumsnet is amazing
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
im 7 sauces long
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)