“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My god she’s good.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
drew a comic about my origin story
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS