Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You Might Also Like
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Can’t, holding a grudge
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??