Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive