The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.