I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container