wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Tier 3 meme
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.