This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.