I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE