I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Our lord and savoury.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble