My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Good morning
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.