You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled