Not today.. 😂
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Planet of the Apps.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.