Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You Might Also Like
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
real
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself