Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
We’ve come full circle
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The struggle is real
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow