They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Great Canadian literature.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?