FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
my mind
You just read my mind
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
OH. COME. ON.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”