[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Muppet Screams
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*