Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.