I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich