Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You Might Also Like
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Ah yes. The three genders
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past