HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit