Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
They grow up so quick
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.