Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean