Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.