Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets