Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35