I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You Might Also Like
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb