If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Mad Max: Furry Road
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.