Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I bet
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks