Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I am never leaving this website
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money