*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.