english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.